This is the 4th or 5th time I've started this post today. I really wanted to write something about choosing for ourselves – basically exploring the dichotomy between what we think we want and what we really need. I've been leaning into asking myself, "What do I need?" any time something sends my feelings spiraling off balance. In the most recent iteration of this post, I started it about 45 minutes ago and then deleted it, I asked myself, "What do I need?" I replied, "I need to go for a walk."

For a walk I went. Left my phone facedown on my desk.

On the walk, all the different projects I have going on spun out of control in my mind. Each of them shouting! "Pick me to think about." "No, me!" "I'm the most important one!"

About halfway around the greenbelt next to my house, I had a thought. Each of those projects needs me to tackle them at some point in my life, including this musing that I feel like it needs to be written and posted. However, I turned my brain away from them, and asked myself, out loud, "What do I need?"

A few steps later, I replied, again out loud, "I need patience."

Not only does everything not need to be done RIGHT NOW... It's impossible for everything to get done right now.

I walked and I breathed and I settled my brain and feelings.

We live in a time where Capitalism has convinced us that a lack of constant productivity is seen as a moral failing. Especially as working creatives, if you're not making it, it's because you're not doing enough. I got trapped in that self-recrimination spiral this morning because I couldn't come up with the exactly perfect way I wanted to write about checking in with ourselves about what we need. Not what we think we want. What we need.

I need to be patient. I wanted to write that post today, but it's not really happening. It's definitely not happening the way I thought it should happen. So, I need to be patient. It will come, eventually. Or... maybe it won't. Doesn't really matter. I'm not under any kind of contract to write that post. It was just a thing I wanted to do, and for whatever reason, the whole thing just wouldn't come together in my head today. Maybe next week, or next year. It doesn't matter. I'll think of something else to write. Maybe something about needing to be patient. It's not as if I don't have plenty of other projects clamoring for my attention.

Alright ideas. Line up. I'll take a look at you and decide which of you needs my attention. I know you all want my attention right now, but I don't have that much attention to go around. Y'all live in my brain. All y'all know what a mess it is in there. I'll get to you. I just need y'all to be a little patient. Is that too much to ask?