M. Todd
Gallowglas

10 For Tuesday – Lines I love from Honest Dating App Profiles

I have a new book out, Honest Dating App Profiles.

Here are bits from the book that I like quite a bit.

1. Still, // enough potential customers remain // hopelessly hopeful enough to spend // money to keep searching and never // worrying about spraining their thumb. – from “21st-Century Courtship”
2. I specialize in exposing the absurdities // of human behavior, particularly when it involves // courtship, dowries, and those who think // a large home can impress me if it lacks a library. – From “A Satirical Dating Profile for Jane Austen in the Style of Mark Twain”
3. My kidneys and liver // haven’t managed // to process her out of my system. – from “Balance Transfer Denied”
4. Isn’t a libido // such a delicious manipulator? – from “LadyLike”
5. A man can drink // in all the best parts // of a woman until // he’s stammering unintelligible // across the table. – from “How to Lose a Bad Woman on a Good Date”
6. If you want to wallow // in our existential dread // of the impending endothermic // heat death of the universe // you should match me. – from ExistentiallyLost4Eternity
7. If you will allow me, // I’ll take you on a murder // free journey of romance. – from “TotatllySweetAndNotACreeper”
8. My quill is my compass, my tongue is my sail, // and I’m seeking love in this modern-day tale. – from “A Satirical Dating Profile for William Shakespeare in the Style of Dr. Suess”
9. More shame, moaned my // Irish Catholic upbringing. // Again, shame. All the shame. – from “Love Life”
10. After our second date, // the first was axe-throwing, // this one at a rage room, // she takes me home, straddles me, // and pulls her dead husband’s // Dirty Harry pistol from under the pillow // and caresses my face with it. – from “We Are Restless in Our Quantum Memories”