Today I'm sitting in a coffee shop after my weekly trauma therapy group. Thoughts of kindness in all its various forms have been bouncing around in my head since I woke up this morning. Courtesy. Grace. Care. Gentleness. Compassion. As Patton Oswalt tells us, "It's Chaos. Be kind."

It's been a while since I've attended a class at my martial arts school, but one part of each class sticks with me. At the end of each class, we recite the school's tenants. The core principles to not just embrace in practicing Hap Ki Do, but philosophies for a life well lived. The first of these tenants is courtesy.

One of the great paradigm shifts of my life came on the day that realized that courtesy wasn't just about how we behave toward others, but also about how we should expect others to behave toward us. It's perfectly acceptable for us to expect people to treat us with kindness and decency if we offer the same to them. We can also choose not to associate with those people who choose to do otherwise, especially in our social lives. More and more, I find myself cutting ties with people who are continually unkind, especially if they show no remorse for how their choices affect me in negative ways.

However, I understand that sometimes we don't have the option to avoid certain unkind people in our lives – at work, school, etc.

In cases such as that, where we cannot avoid the unkindness of others for whatever reason, we need to take the next big paradigm shift...

We must offer ourselves kindness. Self-grace and compassion are imperative to finding balance with ourselves.

Years ago, in martial arts class, we were working on the nuance of a front kick. I hadn't been that actively learning a new physical skill in years, and my body protested nearly every aspect of holding one position of the front kick. The teacher went to everyone in the class and, one by one, asked us what specifically we were working on. When he came to me, I replied, "Courtecy toward myself because I don't have perfect form."

BAM!

Another paradigm shift. One of the deepest, most profound insights of my life.

Courtesy to ourselves is the ultimate foundation for living well and in harmony with our world. That self-kindness can take many forms. Sometimes it's not beating ourselves up for our mistakes. Sometimes, that's removing ourselves from relationships and environments that no longer serve our needs, especially those that offer little or no courtesy. Sometimes, that means being kind to ourselves for committing the sin of imperfection... ESPECIALLY my fellow neurospicy humans out there. Be ready to check in with yourselves because life is going to be bumpy sometimes. It's okay to not be okay during the bumpy bits.

I spent most of January down and out with a nasty stomach crud. I did almost zero writing, and I'm good with it. However, a few years ago, I wouldn't have been. I would have treated myself unkindly because I had bought into the myth that to be a writer, you had to be writing ALL THE TIME. Talk about an unkind belief about being a working artist. Sometimes you need to let yourself be sick and heal without pushing yourself to the breaking point or beyond.

Once I accepted and embraced self-kindness as the most important form of kindness, I began to see other instances of unkindness far more clearly. It took more time to be comfortable enough to trim away those discourteous parts of my life. Even today, I have some trouble with clearing out certain kinds of relationships or environments; however, I'm working on it... and... treating myself with kindness while I do.

"It's chaos. Be kind." Especially to yourself.