Tell A Story Day Finale
Well, here we are. Almost two weeks and over 11,000 words later, and we arrive at the final post. What a wild ride. Hope you all had as much fun following along with this as we did writing it. Yeah, it got strange, then stranger, and then down right were-the-hell-did-you-come-up-that weird.
If you haven’t read any other bits of this awesome tale, start the whole chain here or go to the official event page over at the Genre Underground.
***
“…that Santa Claus,” Zyx said with the self-satisfied grin of a princess about to get her way as the Claus who was not the Claus took the stand and was sworn in…right next to General Protection Fault.
At last, all the key players were in the same place, and this whole mess could be dealt with. She looked at the elf who was still under the effects of the Tolkien protocol, and somehow managed to contain herself.
“Could I get a bit of mood music?” Princess Zyx asked.
“Really?” General Protection Fault asked. “Mood music.”
“She’s a princess,” the Assembly General said. “This will go faster if we indulge her, rather than have to sit through a tantrum.”
The princess stamped her foot. “I do not tantrum.”
“If you insist, your highness,” the Assembly General said, then turned to General Protection Fault. “Please, can we get on with this? Let her highness have her mood music so we can get to the wedding.”
“Very well,” General Protection Fault said. “Have your mood music and then get to questioning the witness.
“Of course,” Princess Zyx said. She glanced at the elf, still controlling herself in spite of the Tolkien protocol that would not fade, as they were still technically in the middle of a conflict. “Mood music, if you would?”
The elf reached under his tunic and brought out a small silver-blue clay object. He place the ocarina to his lips and began to play. It glowed different colors with each note he played of a somber tune.
Princess Zyx paced with her hands held behind her back before the stand as she interrogated the witness.
“Please state your name,” Zyz said.
“Claus.” Santa who was not Santa said.
“How do you spell that?”
“C.L.L.A.W.S.S.”
“That sounds more like an acronym than a name. Is this an acronym.”
“Clandestine Life-Like Automaton Weapon and Subversive Specialist.”
“Aha!” Zyx cried. She faced C.L.L.A.W.S.S. and placed her hands on the witness box. “And what are the parameters of your current mission?”
“To infiltrate the Claus workshop and replace the real Claus.”
“Why?”
“To take over operations and remove you from the picture so that League of Lawyers can take over the workshop.”
“Who sent you?”
C.L.L.A.W.S.S. clamped its mouth shut. Its lips trembled with the effort of refusing to answer a question under oath while in the radius of a ritual of minutiamancy. It gave a valiant struggle, but in the end, it called out, “He did,” pointing at General Protection Fault.
“No further questions,” Princess Zyx said.
“Now?” the Assembly General asked.
“Now,” Zyx confirmed.
The music changed from somber to lively. Motes of multi-colored light appeared and swirled right in front of the elf as the space time continuum warped with the ocarina’s magic.
At the same time, the Assembly General lurched forward. Streams of prehensile metallic tentacles – very similar, but not close enough to cause a lawsuit – to Doctor Octopus stretched out from the orc, fish, robotic body, trapping C.L.L.A.W.S.S. and General Protection Fault in place.
The imp, Burblegax, stole their powers of speech.
The elf took the ocarina from his lips as the rift opened in space and time.
“Magic,” the elf said. “Ain’t nothing mechanical about that, bitches.”
The Troll stepped through the rift, iDroid universal controller still in its grip.
“BOO!” the troll said.
A…B…right trigger…right up…left down…Y…left down…both triggers.
C.L.L.A.W.S.S. and General Protection Fault died in a firestorm of android munitions.
“You hit the lawyers too soon,” the elf said. “Coulda saved us a whole lot of trouble if you had been a bit more patient.”
“Oh, shut it,” the troll snarled.
Y…X…left up…right up…A and B…both triggers…X and Y. An ominous hum rose from inside the android.
The Assembly General split into three parts. Each part of that hideous shell folded nicely into an easily portable attaché case.
“Gather around,” Claus said. “Let’s be away before that thing,” he waved at the android, “hits critical mass.”
Everyone gathered. The elf picked up two of the cases. Princess Zyx picked up the third.
“You all made that as part of the plan?” the troll asked.
“We don’t just make toys,” the Claus said. “The more commercial things get, the more nefarious people want a piece of the action.”
The hum from the android grew louder.
Claus put his finger to his nose, winked, and said, “Top of the porch, top of the wall…Etcetera.”
They vanished just as the android’s nuclear core self-destructed, destroying the massive factory.
***
They sat around a table eating gingerbread cookies and hot chocolate. The elf had returned to his normal form, the Tolkien Protocol fading once the conflict ended. The troll had cleaned up nicely…well…as nicely as a troll is capable of cleaning.
“So, daddy,” Zyx said, playing footsies with the elf under the table. “Can I keep him? I think Tinsleton proved he’s worthy of me.”
The elf, Tinsleton, Keeper of the List, held his breath.
“You both have my blessing,” Claus said.
“SQUEE!” the princess squee’d.
Tinsleton heaved a sigh of relief and turned to the troll. One last bit of business to take care of.
“Sorry about the eye,” Tinsleton said. “Had to shoot you in the eye to keep up the ruse.”
“No worries,” the troll said. “I survived a fight with an elf under the effects of the Tolkien Protocol. You have any idea how high much street cred that’s worth.” The Troll turned to Claus. “I don’t get it. You were the Assembly General the whole time?”
“Yep. Standard procedure really. We even put it in most of our packaging, twisting it a little for obfuscation: Most problems are fixed with just a little Assembly General.”
THE END
(for now)
