To Those People Who Post Celebrity Death Hoaxes

Posted on Posted in Daily Rants


(I really mean it. This post has some strong language. If vulgarity offends you, I recommend passing it by.)

To those people who enjoy trolling the internet with hoax articles about celebrity deaths:




Just a few minutes ago I saw someone post a link about Justin Bieber found dead due to a substance overdose. This pissed me off to no end, probably a lot more than it would have a week ago. I’ve never found this kind of thing funny, but considering that people were still wondering if Robin Williams’s death was genuine several days after the fact goes to show how absolutely how damaging this kind of thing is.

Now I’m enjoy a good “click bait” joke as much as anyone. I’ve gotten a good chuckle over being Rick Rolled, and I have chuckled as others have fallen victim to Rick Roll posts I’ve made. That is genuine, wholesome internet trolling at its best. It only takes a few seconds out of someone’s day. No one gets offended. It doesn’t make light of the death of another human being.

Death hoaxes are the polar opposite. If you propagate this kind of idiocy on the internet, it makes me question what kind of trauma you have suffered as a child that damaged your ability to empathize with your fellow human beings on a fundamental level. Yes, even if you’re posting bout Justin Biebers death.

I mean, really… That’s the best you can come up with. Engage your imagination a little. Want some a real, headlines that will FORCE people to click through. How about: “Teen Girls Sneak Paintball Guns into Justin Bieber Concert” or, “U.S. Finally Deports Justin Bieber,” or, “Hell’s Angels force Justin Bieber to Make Unexpected Pit Stop.” I promise, that will get people’s imaginations going and their click fingers clicking much faster than, “Justin Bieber Found Dead in California Home.” What’s more, those are actually funny. If it leads people to Rick Roll…even better.

So, if after all this, I haven’t convinced you that you have better, funnier, and more humane ways to troll people, and you still feel the need to post your death hoaxes, please follow these directions before you do,

1) Find a chainsaw. (In the absence of a chainsaw, you may feel free to substitute a blowtorch, hedge trimmer, or buzzsaw.)

2) Pick your prefered head/facial orifice. (Eye, ear, mouth, nose.)

3) Fuck yourself in said orifice with said chainsaw (or preferred substitute.)